Be warned

Whew, to delve a little more personally today, there could possibly be a massive change in my life style. (This is why I'm glad to be under the impression that nobody reads this. Aha) For however many days I need to, I watch my sister's 3 kids while she works. Over the last year and a half while being there for these kids I have struggled in knowing what I do is enough, in if what I say to them is getting through, with the lack of clarity and my own pain at our interactions, I can't do it any longer than I must. My quittin' time feels like it passed 8 times over.

During most weeks I work for my Dad a couple of those days as well. Meaning I gather and prepare three uncontrollable forces to be distributed differently. (The baby can usually go to grandma's) then the girls tag along to an actual working space. Not to mention the 40+ mile drive to this destination... Anyway, the thing about this working space, this store, is that I have had a certain disdain for it my entire life. For a great many years I have made efforts to work other places, like anywhere else. Some months ago I replied to a post on 918 makers of this lady who was looking for artists who would be comfortable being painters as another source of income. I messaged back saying I was up for it, though was open about the fact that I lacked strict technical know how. In this time it seems she has been in contact with a contractor or crew that would be up for training me. This is what I need right now, really.

In the last few months I have had at least three interactions always with middle aged men that seem to think I am a lost little girl in dire need of life direction. They tend to lean towards thinking my only option is to take over the family business permanently as they were apparently fuck wits in their time (still are in my opinion) whom passed by similar opportunities only to regret it later. So my question is, do they say these things to my brother who works in the same space? Do they feel the need to tell everyone how to live their own free born life?? There was one of these incidents a month ago where I told Dad if one more person told me how to live my life I was strait up going to walk out of what has always been a personal hell hole for me. This past week it happened again! While this person was speaking I made efforts not to engage, funny how men notice when women aren't listening to them, (but we are never granted any reimbursement for the constant state of irrelevance our voices and thoughts have to any given situation). When he caught on that I was not up for what he had to say, I told him what I told Dad. He remarked with "It's really that bad here?" and I said that I hated it. Though I stuck in and did not walk out, my irritation remained.

First off, where the fuck do they get off thinking they have the right to tell anyone how to live their life? That may be what I am most perturbed about. The fact that they see a young woman in front of them and they couldn't possibly consider that she has legit plans of her own. That she has lived and survived and thrived in a life that is hers! That in this time we are all just doing as much as we can. They don't know me, clearly anymore than they know themselves and their poor awareness of the world. If you want to feel so good about being an integral part in someone's life who needs it, then buck up and go be a big brother to all the young boys out there because the girls have got it covered, thanks.

As to not be confused any further: my hate is not with my family, though like anyone they have a particular way of irking me. My hate was for this contraption of a business that has been the sole determiner of my family's life and will. That I absolutely refuse to follow in. This place has created an immovable state for their paradigm, it has been their entire life, sometimes more than their kids or home, or their own dreams. It's just this place they have made most important above all else.I understand more than I did as a kid, that this store is what's supporting us. Now a days especially I have learned acceptance that it's a take what you can get kind of deal, so this is just the moment I'm living and it will most definitely change. I get the little satisfaction when I have helped someone with a real, everyday need and even been impressed when my knowledge is solid but the customer is clueless. I understand that the fam has chosen this life and all that it holds, whether they realize it or not. Though I also know there is more than one way to do things. More flexibility could have been granted, more dreams attained and work accomplished but that immovable state has become so ingrained mentally that a real and even figurative action of boxing themselves into a corner has occurred.

What's especially fucked about this is, it still weighs on me. It weighs in that they have gotten to me at such an unhealthy level that I would still feel some remorse if the business were to disappear, it's weighed on me since childhood when at 5 or 6 years old my family felt the need to tell me that the business was gonna go out next year, then the next year... Our identity and legacy has been this thing that I never chose to be a part of and I have known so much more because I've put myself out there to see it. The further I am away from this smelly crap the more I am the person I want to be.

Rant over, that will be the first and last time I talk about this issue on my personal and more specific ART blog. The new opportunity is just another way I see my life progressing to it's best state.